Book Reviews
Hold the front page! This is what the papers say. If you’ve come across anything else, please let us know. Apologies for the lack of radio interview sound bytes – coming soon!
Open For Business
January 2006
Men’s Group
What exactly do men talk about at men’s groups? What do they get up to? Rolled up trouser-legs and funny handshakes? Public school games with biscuits? Dares, dangers and devilish deeds with dizzy blondes? Or the boisterous banter of bars and changing rooms revisited?
“MEN Speak the Unspeakable” co-authors Michael Elias (straight ex-Catholic ex-refugee) and Edward Seeker (English middle-class bi-Dad) run regular Men’s Groups in London.
“We just hang out and chat!” explains Edward. “Mickey usually gets the ball rolling and facilitates, though the group is directed by those present. Mickey’s always got a few gems up his sleeve to check us all in and get things moving. He has designed a simple structure that we have used with a huge variety of groups around the country that works like magic. I remember a therapist who came to one of the earlier groups telling Mickey that the openness we go to in one session, he barely achieves in a month with his clients!”
‘Who is lurking in the shadows of your psyche?’ reads the publicity. ‘Best friends? Bad influences? (good fun!) Role models? Siblings? Children? Parents? Those we love, loathe and lust after the most? What about partners and primary relationships? We do slick rounds of questions, listen to ourselves and one another, get real, hang out, laugh.’ More than just another night in the pub then?
“The name of the game is ‘self-awareness’. No one tells anyone else what to do or what not to do. We can share our thoughts and experiences and respectfully challenge one another. We can do whatever we want to do! We do ‘rounds’ where something is brought up and the question, or statement goes around the circle. One can either join in honestly, or say “Pass” when it’s your turn. We don’t turn up to compete or perform for the others, but to listen to what we are thinking, feeling and saying, there and then. Self-awareness truly is power!” proudly proclaims Mickey.
“The middle name (of the game) is ‘hanging out with other blokes’. Clean male company, comparing notes and having a laugh. (beats therapy!) Our publicity specifically states that this is not a therapy group. No long-winded stories or justifications. Not a place to lick wounds or join the victim club, not to disrespect wounds or victims – there’s a time and a place for everything. Our space is more a quick, slick check-in, providing invaluable insights to healthily take into daily life. Our publicity also states that this is not a wank group. So many facilitators have run groups for ages, before realising that that is why so many members kept coming back. In the hope. Best to set the scene first and avoid disappointment!” laughs Mickey. “Though we can do a round on any issue in hand.”
“The surname is …’Bond’ (no, not James!) With the depth and same-sidedness we naturally slip into, it would be weird not to! This is where a load of blokes can get together and ‘be on the same side’ with what we have in common and how we can enjoy that – rather than the usual separatist competitive lonely nonsense! I don’t know anywhere else where gay, straight and bi-men can get together and just hang out, ask questions, mutually take the piss and get over it all. Where rich and poor can really listen to the ‘other side’ and how they live. Where generations casually connect passing wisdom both ways, just by listening to ourselves and one another. There’s room for every man (18+) though we don’t need to make a thing of it. Often, the funniest, most embarrassing stories provide the most valuable insights! I am humbled by the natural courage of the guys at the end of each group. Regulars and the new guys.” Mickey enthused.
“In order for this to work, there has to be a level or trust, a level of risk and respect – otherwise we’re just proving ourselves right and competing, rather than hanging out and gaining something. We provide ground rules to get clear about all this, which we are always happy to discuss and amend, as every particular group sees fit.” assures Edward, waving a short list of clear, guidelines. “It would be silly to be inflexible and not meet the men’s particular needs, there and then – each group sitting is quite unique.”
But what do those that take part have to say?
“Sharp, slick sharing with no pecking order, no competition, no leader, no expectations, just hanging out and being blokes!”
“I’m not sure that I’d tell everyone that I go to a ‘men’s group’ as it has a tinge of ‘therapy’ to the title. My experience is that of good people getting clearer, stronger, more powerful and certainly more trusting. A place to open up and explore who I am. Openly judge and give the lies a break! I don’t know a better way to ‘move on’.”
“It’s so easy to ‘show up’ at the groups and bring who I really am to the party. It’s safe to take risks in such a safe, accepting space. That’s not to say that everyone always agrees with me, or indeed me with myself. Unconditional friendship, if only for a few hours a month, allows me to find out who I am, over-and-above who I ‘should’ be.”
“I’ve got inspiration to live a good life in an unsafe, uncaring, rat-eat-rat world. School had the ‘best friend’ safety. So who do you turn to when you’ve got no best friend?”
“The image I portray out in the world is not who I am. I bring more of me to the group than most places – fun side and all!”
“I’ve got honest feedback, got good role models, even got work through these guys.”
So what’s next? “I’m looking at starting a ‘closed group’ in the new year, where the same group of guys meets up for three months at a time, so that we can get a bit deeper and more challenging. I’m amazed at how the guys want to be more challenged! Also, the odd little trip here and there for those who want it. The Vagina Monologues, some are interested in meditation, climbing, whatever. I love the way they just exchange phone numbers and get on with it. Hey, I’m not their Daddy!” exclaimed Mickey. “A couple of years ago, while Ed and I were ‘talking’ our book, some of us from the group had the best time with him in Box Hill, where we helped him pack up his tent – he was living in a tent in Box Hill for months, while working in the City during the day! We lit a fire and just hung out together. We had some magical times! Details in our book…”
Menspeak open groups (all MEN welcome, 18+) currently runs on the first Wednesday of each month (new moon!) 6pm in the bar for a 6.30 start in the gallery of The Spitz in Spitalfields Market, 109 Commercial Street, E1. (Liverpool Street / Aldgate East tubes). We finish at about 9pm, leaving plenty of time to get home for work the next day; or for those who want to hang out in the bar before getting a bagel from Brick Lane. £7 (£5 concessions), plus our book on sale for only a tenner (usually £12.99). For further details, visit www.menspeak.co.uk or email Ed at men_speak@yahoo.co.uk
Groups soon to be launched in Brighton, Glastonbury and Tunbrudge Wells. Other areas on demand.